Cleaning up the wreckage

I brought into my sober life a junk load of bad debt.  Some of which have been taken care of.  I bought a car 6 years ago.  I wasn't always the best of payor but I have managed to get that straight and was looking forward to the last payment, which I thought would be early summer.  I found out yesterday that the loan was 4 months longer than I realized and that it will be 11 more months.  I was sick.  I held that inside which allowed it to fester to "your worthless".   It's that old thinking that must be overcome by my new truths.  The fact is I have paid on this car for 6 years.  Yeah!  Other debts still linger including some new ones.  I do the best I can at taking care of them as I can.  If it hadn't been for MC posting that it took her 10 years of financial amend making to get it done, I probably would feel like giving up.  Which is crazy.   I mean this doesn't own me.  My credit rating is symbolic of a life I left behind.  So, taking it a piece at a time is what I can do.  I ask God for the strength to continue to do the right thing which is paying them. 
So, I relax.  Take it easy.  I am no longer running the show.  I won't allow my feelings to tell me how I am doing.  They have never been reliable so why start now?
Being sober means I am walking through this "life" stuff one day at a time. 

I am a sober woman of God.  I pray daily, read meditation books, recommit my life to Him daily.  Some days things are as they should be and all seems well, others....... well not so much.
I have been in the rooms of AA since Dec 30, 2006.  With a couple of 1 year medallions.  a 2,3 &4 yr medallions and then wham I am back working on that 1 year AGAIN.  Does that make me less of a person?  Of course not.  And that is what I have to tell myself. 
Feeling connected to a power not just any power but God I feel alive. 
I am praying for some changes in my life.  Work, personal.  I want to take a leap of faith and go to school.  yes at 53.  How crazy is that?  But somewhere inside of me is that yearning of acomplishment.  Something that is mine.  Sounds good in theory.  So how do I begin?  Baby steps.  Lots of prayer.  And just do it.
Financially this will be a strain.  It scares me to be indebted for somethign I can't hold on to.  So I will make an appt. with an advisor and go from there. 
I am curious but timid.  But I will not stop praying for an intuitive thought or action.  I'm ready to take that leap.

Thank you God.........

I made the comment a little over a week ago that I was tired of raising my hand in meetings in regards to willing to sponsor.  That I wanted to spend time on me and really just be stuck in self centerdness.   Half jokingly of course.
Last week, BAM!  2 new sponsees.  New ones.  One coming back after a bad relapse and the other is 18 years old and relapsed out of a short stint in rehab followed by a halfway house. 
What's wrong with them?  Why can't they stay sober?  Well our literature tells us that in order to get their we must get into the solution. 
A) I have a problem
B) I can not change that problem (alone)
C) If I can't?  Then I better find a power great enough to do so.
How am I to find that power?  Through clearing out the mess in our heads and our lives.  Steps 4-9 are the best tools any of us have found.  But we have to begin.  We can't wish away our disease.  We can not sleep away, drink away, cry away...............  But there is one who has all power.  That one is God.  May you find him now!  That sounds so simple, right?  Well if the noise in our heads is so loud we can't hear, then it is.
When I take an honest self appraisal I find many things about ME that I didn't know.  Is this why I can't stay sober?  Keep going.  I complete that inventory, share it with another and begin the arduos task of repairing the damage caused others. 
If any of these steps are skipped then our sobriety will be miserable.  And I have had enough misery.  And I pray these two wonderful gifts from God have too.
I heard myself saying to a family member this weekend, "I have fun no matter what I'm doing".  All thanks to this program.   Getting rid of self, doing no further harm,  and when fear, resentment, self absorbtion creep back in, tell someone.  Break the bubble of silence!
I say this ALL the time, If sobriety wasn't a better deal none of us would be here.  But it is.  We are reasonably happy and comfortably sober.  And people don't lock up their valuables when I'm around. 
So, God saw fit to place these two sweet ladies in my path.  Praying they stay until the miracle happens. 

:)

Troubles, he has seen troubles.........

The man child that I call my son is missing (again).  This is getting really bad.  Jails (already), institutions (yes) and finality of death.  I pray to a God that got me sober to please help him find his way.  He did a short stint during the summer and seemed to be content.  But after checking out he went right back (of course he did).  He is worse now than ever. 
I try not to think about him.  Where he is, what is he doing.  Of course having his face plastered on the 6oclock news several weeks ago (calling him by name followed by  "a homeless man") made me want to throw up.  When will enough be enough.  I have a program that helps me to get through this.  The family does not.
Another family member is doing the "controlled drinking" again.  Has decided to only drink on the weekends.  Good luck.  Read "more about Alcoholism".  But if they aren't ready.... they can't hear.
I have a fear that I will be the only sane person left in my family.  Sounds self centered, I know.  But the truth is everyone is running around screaming, "what's wrong with me?"  when it's as evident as the words in our book.
Sometimes I wonder how we look to the outside world.   One of the members of my group that sponsored another family member for a short time said to me one day, "geez this disease runs rampant in your family"  or something close.  What I HEARD was,  geez your entire family is a screw up with such disdain I wanted to run and hide.  Cause we all know that when the "secrets" get out and they know who we are they won't let us around. 
More childhood trauma.  Shshshshshshsh.

New Year, New...............

In the month of resolutions by many, you won't hear me say a thing.  I think when resolutions are set and then broken it may leave some feeling like a failure.  Me, I choose to continue on the path I'm on.  Perhaps changing how I eat, but certainly staying in the gym at least 4 days a week.
Most importantly staying sober.  Working with other woman that are chosing to do the same. 
Giving thanks daily for the Creator!!!

Year in Review

I became very lazy about posting.  That sums up a lot.  It tells you that I am unmotivated to do this.  Why?  Probably because I wonder if it serves any purpose.  My own?  Probably.
So, the year was interesting.  If I re-read this blog I would probably remember more but here goes:
  I started out with a bang.  Staying sober and loving that.  But still struggling w/ a few issues.
  Horrific Tornado blew through here in April.  I can't remember how many people died but it was a bunch.    Saw damage that I/we won't soon forget.  It was so sad.  And, might I add, one of the scaries nights i can remember.  Lost power for 7 days.
  Knee surgery in June.  Harder than I had anticipated but now, looking back ha!  It's like childbirth.  You soon forget.  But, I don't want to go through that again.
  Relapsed!  Holy crap.  I still can't fathom that one.  But, I am still an addict inside and I must never forget that.  I jumped right back into this and have thrived ever since.  Probably learned a lot about myself in the process.
  Had extensive dental problems.  More pain than even the knee surgery.  And I mean back to back.  I am fine now but whew! Another thing I would rather never repeat!
  Got to go to St. Louis to see my gal Joyce Meyer.  Went with friends and had a grand time.
  Although I slacked at the gym, I am still there.  Have not gained any weight which totally thrills me.
  Still seeing Ron.  Some days I want to walk.  Other days I still enjoy his company.  Go figure.  One thing I won't do is beat myself up about it. 
  OH and lest I forget!  I got baptised on May 29th...  I am totally committed to this new way of living even if I stumble, I will get back up.  Defined by His love and Grace, not my shortcomings.

So over all it's been a good year, but once again hindsight (or rearview mirror looking) I can see so clear His hand on my life.  However, I still, at times, try to regain control of where I am going.... I still can make that a total mess. 

I am in a good place.  Even though:  Son is homeless, got arrested, dad bonded him out, he stole some personal items of mine and I forgive him, just as I am forgiven of my past indiscressions. 

God, I will walk towards you, always asking how may I serve you and my fellows. That my light and better life will be the beacon that draws others to you.  If that be your will.

Good bye 2011..........................

 

Walk through it, Not around it

FACE IT!  I was in the middle of a horrific panic attack.  Brought on by a financial crisis, brought on by spending $$ before it was actually in my hand.  Get the picture?
So, after finding out the $$ I was expecting is half of what I thought it would be, I had a come apart.  Which for me are happening too frequently these days.
How did I handle it?  Well I went to a meeting.  I listened for some sage advice.  The subject wasn't brought up by me, but the answer may come during someone sharing about something else.
It continued to escalate.  Thought about right before going to bed.  Woke up during the night, yup still there.  First thing this morning. 
Alright I start praying.  Praying,  Praying.  In our book it talks about praying without ceasing.  That was what I did. 
Needless to say, I am ok.  It still is a problem, but it will and I will, be ok. 
As always, God brings me back to earth and gives me the ease and comfort I always looked for.