Toxic!

Toxic:  acting as or having the effect of a poison; poisonous:

Several things come to mind.  Toxic substance, bringing harm to someone.  Toxic people, meaning to harm others.  Let’s talk about the latter.

Something’s we cannot change; like people.  Mean people, obnoxious people, and TOXIC people:

I am coming to terms with this; learning it’s not about me.  Sometimes as people lack their own security they seem to gain it through breaking others down.  Know someone like this all too well.

I have spent almost 7 years coming to terms with this person.  Many arguments, many tears, hurt, anger.  How to deal with this?  By believing what I copied.  Not jumping in to their misery (ok, I fail miserably at times).  Trying to understand them is pointless as their character changes as needed.  This person will NEVER admit any wrong doings… uh and WRONG whatsoever.  Just doesn’t have the ability.  How sad is that?  Maybe I should say he doesn’t want to act differently.  I guess if we always do what we have always done, we will always get what we always have.

If we know better, we do better.  Now let me say this; I have many faults, I am not setting myself on a higher shelf.  But trying to be on the same level as a TOXIC person never works unless we begin by believing it is not us that is the problem.

So, since we cannot change anyone else how to live with a toxic person is the key.  When I learn I will pass along.  In the meantime not engaging would be a great start.

 

when God?

How long?

When I got sober I remember asking, how long till I feel better?

When I got a divorce I asked when will the pain end?

When S and I broke up I again asked  when?

As I accept the singleness of my life I ask, why?

In the question there is fear, anger, sorrow, rage…..aloneness, abandonment….

So, when God, when?

Getting sober was hard.  I believe that I was getting a triple whammy.  Busted, treatment, move, divorce.  So I was only able to give attention to one thing at a time and believe me, which was hard.

So, how long on sobriety?  I don’t know but along the way I realized I didn’t think about drinking anymore.  It just was/is.

On the divorce…. Again I do not know when the pain left.  I suspect it was after I met S but honestly… I don’t know.  What is plain to see (to me) is I was already letting go of all that was wrapped up in my marriage.. But meeting S it ripped the bandaid off and I was glad.

Learning to let go of S has been awful.  And hard… and sad…. I can still cry and I have tried to put it in perspective but even that is challenging.  Do I miss him or having someone beside me?  Probably the latter.

My prayer today is gentle.  When God when.  I know that I can move the players around and hope someone will come into my life; or stay put and know that someone will.   Easier said than done.  Damn it!

So, taking the focus off of the reality and looking at all of this as growth… I thank God that I’m not crying over RJ, in fact that relationship has been restore… not to its former self but something greater.  Go figure.

It hit me just now that sobriety is always good.  It’s sober!  The only thing that changes is how I think and ‘feel’ about it.  I have a perception problem so that is a challenge in itself!

So, as the months since S move on, so do I.

Listen Closely

Listen to what you are saying to yourself.  Are you kind?  Gentle?  Loving?  Negative, judgmental?  Self-talk can be so damaging when it is all negative.  So listen….

When someone hurts me and I am unsure of why, or when there is conflict with another human being using kinder thoughts to work through the issue is huge.  Ok, I was hurt by someone, felt betrayed but had little facts to go by.  My first thought was, damn them.  However, with the limited information I had, I was going by my negative emotion resulting in a less than desirable thought process.  Putting on the brakes and redirecting to something kinder truly takes some of the strength out of the punch.

If it is a learned behavior (and they all are) then it can be unlearned or relearned in a different fashion.  Truly difficult but totally do-able.  The affect will also reduce the angst until all the information is received.  In the meantime, time wasn’t wasted on fear, anger, worry ……

That in itself brings a smile to my face.

Something else to add to that ‘bag of tricks’ was told to me over and over and over last summer… although I was unable in the midst of that crap to fully utilize this concept.

When I was full of self-doubt, act as if I was a woman full of confidence… no one on the outside knows anyway.  Totally self-soothing.  Fill in the ‘blank’ with anything that troubles us/you.

If you have lived as long as I and used negative energy all the time…. Begin with this kinder self-talk.   Borrowing from a great movie, ‘you is smart, you is kind, you is important’.  Any age, anytime… try this on for size…

If life doesn’t already throw a mess of stuff our way the last thing we need or should want is the critic inside us to come out screaming, ‘you dumb ass’.  Right?

 

 

Six Months

 

 

Six Months… Seems like life slows down when things hurt but goes too quickly when everything is good.  Something wrong in all that.

At first after the panic of a broken relationship I wanted to ‘find’ someone to ease the pain.  Ummm. Yeah that wasn’t going to work.

I have gone out on a few coffee dates.  No one I wanted to see twice.  What I have found though.. in talking with these men I could not help but think, I’m truly not interested so why am I here? 

Was I looking for him in who I saw?  Was I hoping some magic thing would happen and I would not look back?  what was it?

About a week ago I gave up.  I gave in to the knowledge and acceptance of ‘I’m not ready, yet’ and that is ok.   Matter of fact… it felt like a weight was gone.  The truth, my truth was staring back at me and I finally embraced it.  Girl you are not there yet.  Ah the sweetness of clarity felt so good.  I guess I had been forcing this ‘dating’ thing when all along it just seemed arduous… well something boring and not anything I was interested in doing…But I just kept thinking… maybe.. perhaps….

So, I deleted any profiles on social dating sites and that felt terrific.  Let my force field down since I have nothing to ‘sell’ (that is a joke) and just relax in the realization that life is good even alone. 

That is a place I wanted to be at, so many times but this is the place where finally it feels ok.  I have pleaded with God many many times.  Finally I prayed….. Lord just help me to release my grip on my wants… allow your energy to flow through me and let your will be my guide.

Sounds great, in theory.   Actually all this did happen.  I am ok.  Which I have been better and looking back through the months I can see how I just have gotten stronger and finally I woke up and realized….. life is truly worth living… now do it!

It helps that the weather is warmer 70’s for a few days.  I am so attached to the outdoors that everything is better in the warmer months…

A few footnotes;  I have learned a few things recently as well.  One is to not talk about last summer in depth.  I have done that a few times with friends that didn’t know what happened and in the end…  I go back inside and want to cry.  The other is if I sit and stew… or ponder over him .. my heart can still race, my mind gets cluttered real quick and like the end result of #1… I get sad.

Honestly being without Steve can still make me sad, but being with Steve made me crazy (at the end) and that is what I forget…. My wonderful forgetter….

So March is here and the birds are coming around, loud and alive.  I actually cleaned out the garage and now I am searching for inexpensive outdoor living space designs.

I would be amiss if I did not include a Tripster update... 4 months old and the absolute love of my life  (along with my other precious grands)

Dare I?

Dare I?

So, when “s” and I began dating last Feb.  I was afraid and distant.  People leave and my heart just couldn’t stand another break up.

Break up is just what we did.  Looking back now, it is clear that he wasn’t ready and I pushed too hard.  it saddens me that we could not work this out… but it is ok.   Now.

So I am having dinner with someone tonight.  This is taking everything I have to do this.  So, am I just not ready or what? 

Last night I talked to a guy on the phone for over an hour.  He was nice (is nice) has his stuff together, retired from Govt service, goes to the gym, has 2 kids and 5 grandkids, been divorced for 13 years..  loves to read, ride bikes, oh and he attends my church, although he would be on the other side of the street…… then it starts to fade.  No camping, no kayaking, no summers swimming…  Am I picking him apart?

This is not the guy I am having dinner with tonight.

Am I ready to venture out?  I truly wish I could know someone first then go out rather than these internet dates that you are just thrust upon…

Then again, my interest just wanes.  So, that may have a huge impact on the whole dating scene anyway.

 

Stay tuned………………