15 years.....

So today is May 29^th, 2015.   Tomorrow my sweet granddaughter will be 15.  Now, that just knocks me backwards.  I can’t help but reflect on how much has happened since her precious self entered the world. 

OH my word how I love my grandkids.  I love Miss ‘S’ beyond words.   She was so adorable when she was little.  Such a showman.  She loved to sing to anyone that would listen.  Her favorite tune, Somewhere over the rainbow.  She would clap and smile so big anyones heart would melt.  15 years.  My gosh.

Of course I can’t think of those years without reflecting on my own life and where it has gone.  I was 41 when she was born.  41 and full of all kinds of nonsense.  Of course I was still with ‘r’.  Looking back I almost laugh at how he was not part of her birth/hospital nor any active part along the way.  I just kept quiet about that but now it is evident…. He just wasn’t a good grandfather.  How sad.

So, when she opens her eyes in the morning I want her to know how truly loved she is.  How her heart is still big enough to love those around her and is the underdog champion! 

Her love of singing has never waned and we still do karaoke and love that too.  She plays in the high school band (flute) and loves picking her guitar.   The one thing that won’t be the same is her pawpaw won’t be here.  He loved those kids with everything he is/was.  They adored him.  I am certain the day will go ok, but I will wonder as the events unfold who is thinking the same thing.  PawPaw you are missed and I’m so sorry you won’t get to see these precious kids grow older. 

 

Happy birthday “s”  mimi loves you enough for both of us.  

 

Reason, Season or a Lifetime

I have heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, season or a lifetime.  Well, yes… they do. 

After learning this I began to search out relationships of yesterday or even today and put that into perspective.  Boy does it ever ring true…

We can learn from someone, grow with someone or love someone… but it truly is just for a moment, if even that…. Ok, a moment in time.

Please don’t take that as a negative, because it isn’t.  it is a quiet and reflective state that allows me to see that.  What ‘role’ did they play?  To often times, for me, it leans heavily on the negative since those are the memories that stay in the forefront.   Of course I also need to look at the role I have played in those lives….

This morning I found out that a friend, a group member and a local physician passed away.  I was just shocked.  I burst into tears.  Why?  I mean … well I don’t know what I mean other than  wth!  I loved Clay.  He meant the world to so many of us.  He was a friend, a confidant…. A fellow journeyman.  But I watched as he declined over the past year or so with what I believe was depression.   From that aspect… he probably just couldn’t get it together.   RIP Clay.   You will be missed.   ** Season**

RJ – Lifetime.   We will be connected till the 12^th of never…..

All others can qualify for all 3……

So, life always shocks me.  It can be scary…….. But!  I keep looking up!

Full of Life or a Life that is Full (take your pick)

Dare I share this one more time?  I was ‘sick’ for so long.  Well all my adult life…. When finally at 45 I was smacked between the eyes with reality.  Girl you need help!  Not before I had hurt the one person (besides my kids) that loved me unconditionally; which now seems funny since he put final conditions on me to get help and get out!

So, I did and it took a few more years but I finally saw the light… And boy was it bright… J

Getting sober was only the beginning.  But what a beginning it was; to me it was excruciating but now I know that was more to do with the end of my marriage than about getting sober… (which I needed to do anyway)…. 2007 I conceded.  God I can’t do this alone! I haven’t had a drink since…

So, when you / I look at years of abuse (spiritually, mentally, and physically) from the dregs of drugs and alcohol this title makes total sense…I have a full life and I am FULL of life!  Thank you Jesus!

So, as this post started taking form it came to me how truly FULL that is.  People say to me all the time, how do you go like you do?  Why do you get up so early?  What is the deal?   It is simple… I don’t want to waste another second….

So, of course I fill up my days.  Well my nights, my weekends.  I have been gifted another life and it shall not be taken for granted,,,, not for a second…..

There are ‘bleeps’ that cause me to derail for a minute… or a day or two….. but when common sense returns or the ‘thing’ dissipates I am back to ‘glass half full’ mode.

So, weekends during the warmer months are spent doing things outdoors.  Have already sat through several outdoor concerts….  The rain hasn’t stopped yet but hopefully it will leave soon…

I believe life is meant to be lived.  My prayer will continue to be…. Lord help me to live a life worthy of the gifts you have given….

The tide has changed. The axis has shifted.

 

I am at a loss.  Really, I am.  When I was asked to leave my marriage I spent too many years trying to regain ‘him’.  It was awful and painful and I have only myself to blame for the longevity of it all.  Well, sort of.   I would walk away and he would beckon me back.  He would turn to leave and I would follow.  A totally sick relationship and one that lasted almost 24 years.  In and out… in and out.

I began a journey away from that several years ago.  A fitful, tearful but meaningful all the same.  I am not going back down that road except to explain the title.   He just can’t let go.  After months of dating someone else and being happy, he has pulled on me harder than ever.  I have not turned back but have repeatedly told him…. We are done.  

So, while I would have basked in the ‘see there’  and ‘feel this’ crap.  But I’m not that person; I don’t want anyone to feel that kind of pain that I lived in for years.  I cringe just thinking about it.   But, for him I want that even less.  He will now have some healing to go through which may scare the heck out of him, then again… maybe not.  

It feels so good to let go.  It feels even better to open my life and heart to a new person.  Someone that has not hurt tied to me.  Someone that says, ‘you past is just that, leave it there’.  He may only be around for a season but in the interim I pray for my own understanding of how ‘he’ is processing where ‘he’ is today.

 

There was a shift and I felt it all the way down to my own heart…

Let the summer begin

 

I love summer.  Can I say that again?  I love summer.  I love the long days.  The cool nights, the water activities, hiking, camping, outdoor concerts…. And we have it all in our corner of the world… So, we postponed our first camping trip due to chance of bad weather.  Not to worry, we rescheduled till June… Yeah!  So, as usual I am already packing in all that I can do for the weekend.  Tomorrow night in the community where ‘S’ lives (very small town) they will have their annual ‘Poke Salat Festival’ how funny is that?  But, we are going.  Live music (yum), food (even yummier) and lots of local artisans… it should be fun… Saturday I am headed to hike at our local state park.  I can’t wait.  Now, hopefully the rain will miss us or there will be a slight change in that plan…. I joked with ‘S’ this morning at how I can fill “his” calendar quicker than anything.  He agrees but loves all the activity too…. So, I’m not dragging him… he is along for the ride!

On another note… I saw ‘R’ a couple nights ago.  I helped with a computer issue he was having.   He is so tiny.  When I was leaving he asked to hug me.  As he pulled me close I could feel every rib and his backbone which broke my heart.  He just seems so fragile.  When I got in my car and looked back to wave he barely looked at me.  I knew he was crying and that broke my heart too.  We have come so far in our broken relationship that while the healing is underway, the pain of the loss still lingers.  He is my first and truly my only love…. The love of my life, in spite of the pain we caused each other.  Moving on was hard… staying was harder.

So, we are at the ½ way point for the month of May.  The temps are going up as is the humidity…..

But, I’m really glad winter is behind us!

Changes in Attitudes/Changing to gratitude

 

Jimmy Buffett comes to mind when I think of the title.  Changes in Attitudes.  Boy does that take me far!

Now, that could go either way, right?  I mean it still is not my natural state to remain positive without hefty effort on my part.   Several opportunities have presented themselves lately.

Expectations have totally ruled my life.  Unfortunately the ‘expect’ part was usually wrought with the negativity of my life.  You know, you get what you put into…… And my ‘part’ was usually crazy screwed up.  But what about those ‘expectations’ that should remain static.   For instance, I asked for a day of vacation a few weeks ago for a camping trip.  Initially the answer was yes.  Yesterday that changed and I was asked how set in stone my plans were.  Seems there was a last minute change to the boss’ schedule.

Well the weather is not going to cooperate for this trip anyway.  I’m not a raining kinda weather gal.  In a tent, I’d like to stay dry…. So, he needs me to be here and I’m not camping in the rain (or high threat there of)..  Quickly we rescheduled for a June date…. It will be fine.

Fine, however, yesterday I was a tad put off since I had been cleared for the day weeks ago.  I went to a place that says, ‘well you don’t matter here anyway; so why should I be upset?’.  Really?   Totally BS but it got me through the afternoon without crying about it.

When I got here this morning I was asked to go to the boss’ office.  What?  Really?  This can’t be good.  But, it was, sort of;  he was trying to find someone to work for me and let me go…..  That helped tremendously.  Thank you (boss) for showing me that YOU know that I matter…

Last week I had a meltdown (emotionally) from the relationship I’m in.  It was bad and I nearly walked away from him.  It isn’t him though.  It is how I perceive things.  He remains oblivious to my ups and downs.   Over the course of a few days I cried, I begged and I prayed my way through it.  No relationship is worth all of this… NO!

When I got up Saturday morning I was better.  The tears were gone and I felt a newness flow through me.  God Consiousness?  I hope…  My attitude picked up and I felt whole again.  I felt free again.  I felt sane again.  Thank you God!  You had me worried for a minute.

Now, things with ‘S’ are still in the early stages but  I gave that to God and have decided to hang loose.  Understand where he is at the moment and either accept or move on.  I, for now, will hang out! 

I don’t know if this post even makes sense to anyone else…. But it sure does to me.

To all you Mothers!

Happy Mother’s day and all that stuff

My mom died on July 4^th, 1995.   20 years almost.  I went to her grave for the first time in years last weekend.  She isn’t there so I cleaned it off and said a prayer for her, dad and my nephew who is buried right by them… 

So, what do we celebrate mother’s day for?   I mean we can be the best of mothers and our children still not like us or vice versa and then mother’s day goes unnoticed. 

Sound sarcastic, right?  I guess I am.  I love my kids but at 36, one of them has yet to remember much in the way of my birthday or other days.  It’s ok, but…. Well no butts.

 

This is quick since it is almost 5pm and I’m outta here for the weekend.  Terribly draining week.  Heck 3 weeks to be exact.  Going to spend as much time outdoors this weekend.  Planting a tree tomorrow in my front yard.  I’ll probably get evicted.  Ridiculous!

Anyway, today, at this moment I am trying to stay positive and know that God works everything out according to his purpose…… I’m just along for the ride.

 

JJ

Camping Trip

I love the outdoors.  I cannot say that enough.  Summer – love the water, camping, hiking…. Fall – love being on the mountain, full of leaves and the crisp air.. Winter – snow…….. Spring – the sounds of birds, the smells of the new flowers……. Get it!

Well next weekend is the first camping trip I have been on in a few years.  I am so excited.  Even if I had to go alone…. I was going.   Tried to wrangle family….. everyone is busy.   “S” is going and my best sister “R” is going.  I am ecstatic. 

Growing up with a dad that loved camping it just grew on all of us.  We always camped primitive (when possible) and dad always had a boat.  So all of those activities invite great memories.  Hmmmm.  Smells of campfire, cicada’s chirping away, waves crashing into the shoreline… I am blissfully happy when all of those are right outside of my tent.

So, 3 day weekend and pack up my shoebox and head out.  The daytime temps are rising quickly and should be in the mid 80’s with nighttime temps falling to about 60… yummy!

I think so many of my friends think I’m crazy.  Yeah I’ve hear the statement, ‘my idea of camping is a holiday inn’.   Well there is a time and a place for everything…. And when the summer days get above 100 and the nights don’t drop below 80…. Give me a holiday inn too. 

But not next weekend.  And, for now, there is no chance of rain…. I’m ready.  Part of the fun is the love of the water.  We romp and play in the lake all day, get back to camp in time to get a good dinner cooked.  What’s there not to like?

Now, the family not being able to come even for the day makes me sad, and I picked this weekend and that’s half of the problem.  But, scheduling for everyone is hard and again, I would go alone if I had too. 

I’m excited to share this with ‘S’ too.  Not sure if he is a true camper….. but he is willing to find out…

You know those sounds and smells that take you back to another time?  Well these things I’m mentioning have that effect.  Lazy summer days, no cares, brothers and sister to swim with, laugh with, ski with…. We had the best of times…  I would like my grandkids to experience that too…. If ‘D’ would get her act together and get them to the lake…..

Nothing sad to write about today…. I am too excited for this trip!

The darkness can be filtered out!

 

My darkness can take over quickly.  It can permeate every right action, right thought…. However, what I know is that I can overcome! 

As I was running in the early morning darkness, ilumiated by a beautiful full moon…. I began to cry.  I thought of this past weekend and a really hard conversation I had with “S”.   One that included words like, peace (or the lack there of), fear, happy, elephant in the room, and future. 

When I am full of fear of the future my peace goes out the window.  Everything becomes too heavy to bear.   Then the happiness of the moment is swallowed up… 

As we held hands walking along a nature walk close to my house, I began to share ‘my truths’ with him.  It was hard.  It brought on tears, but in a sad way it also brought on empowerment.  I am in control (ok, HE is) of where I’m going….that I can’t allow his circumstances to dictate (not that he is asking) my direction.  He is still healing from the death of his wife and that takes precedence over most things he is dealing with right now. 

So, we cried, talked, cried some more and I was not comfortable with saying goodbye but I need my peace more than anything.  However, after truly putting this in God’s hands…. Asking for peace to return and clarity in what I’m feeling (damn those ‘feelings’) I was willing (not ready) but willing to do something different.  Not sure all of what I said remained in him, but we were able to walk through a few more things that were not easily defined.

Ok, so we are staying together (silly question) through this season in his life.  Her bday and anniversary of her death are coming up and it is weighing heavily on his heart (and rightfully so).   He made some observations and expressed feelings I had no idea about.  I listened and shared my own.

I matter.  How I feel matters.  See even though I was taught to put what I feel to the side…. I couldn’t.  But he….. rolls with the tide, and amazingly so…..

So, all is better on the relationship side but those nasty fears sprung up while I was running this morning.  What if?  What now?  Etc……

As the tears began to flow I just asked Jesus to take them away.  Please help me!  Help me to be comfortable alone if that is HIS will.  Asked for peace to fill my soul, again.  And that I want that more than anything and I mean ANYthing.  See if I put anything in front of my relationship with God… everything becomes messy and entangled and people get hurt.   Me, them… us….

So, as I got to my garage I just asked for help….. peace has settled over me and that is due to me asking and realizing I could be the problem. 

So, bright moon… still air…. Lots of runners…. But most of all   Me and God!  

Someone ring that 5oclock bell!

Thank Goodness for Friday

This has been a long week.  A long week full of ups and downs.  I learned a few more things about me that hopefully going forward will be part of my ‘toolbox’ ….

Tonight we will venture out to an outdoor concert with a local band playing…. Bring your own chairs, drinks, dogs, kids…. Truly a fun place to go…. Weather is cooperating.    Temp is 70…… with sunshine galore.

“S” and I are spending the weekend together.  Nothing makes me happier….. Going to hike in the morning, then up to his neck of the woods for a fund raiser, then church on Sunday.  Is my life full?  Yes.  Is it good,  yes!  Am I grateful… You betcha!

Enjoy!