whine !!!

I’m gonna whine for a minute.   I have tried several times over the past years to get out and start dating again.  I hate, hate, hate the whole ‘dating’ idea/scene.   I have talked to men (friends) that have told me how bad they hate it too.  Especially at our age…  And here I sit…. I have been on several dates this past month and none of them were more than once.  Here is the totally crazy thing… I didn’t care for any of them.  I mean… more than like.  Although I did try to sugar coat the whole thing and make it better but even that didn’t work.  So, why am I acting all pitiful about not being asked out again?  I mean didn’t I just say, I did not want another date with any of these guys yet when it is threir decision it seems harder.  I mean rejection sucks and I have had my fill.  It doesn’t help that in the middle of the rejection of one of these dates, I hear/feel those words/feelings from “him” many moons ago.  And it still hurts.  It still makes me angry.   I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.  But I am.    So, let the anger go……………….

Why does it feel so lonely these days?  I can be totally fine one minute and then bam!  It hits me like a ton of bricks…. You’re  alone.   I think I have talked to enough woman to say that sometimes it truly isn’t about long term, but rather to have a somebody to go places with. 

 

So, I keep trudging, praying, believing and painfully living (at times) alone.  I broke it off with a long term relation-ship that shouldn’t have been anyway but that hasn’t changed me still wanting more. 

Done whining. 

 

On another note we lost a gem today,  Maya Angelou died at the age of 86.  What a pioneer.  What a terrific woman of God! 

Memorial Weekend~

Memorial weekend.  A 3 day weekend to us, but so much more.  My dad, my son, brother…. All veterans.  Thank you for your service!

This weekend as a kid meant heading to the lake.  Camping, boating, just having a ball with family… Some of the best memories.

As we have grown older those shifted more to swimming pools and cookouts.  We have always had a pool at one of our houses.  This weekend will be no different.  So, hamburgers/hot dogs, lots of laughter, lots of grandkids (for all of us), and plenty of sunshine and cold water!  I can’t wait.

I have tried (again) to date.  UGH!  I get excited and then let down.  I went out with 2 different men over the past several weeks and neither would be again.  Tonight I will once again and whether it is a hit or not, I am what I am and this is it.   I am tired of the long nights of questions, fake laughter and uncomfortableness of it all.

I am so thankful today.  Thankful that I am healthy,   I know some of my family is not.  I have reflected on my past life quite a bit this week.  Sometimes I cried, sometimes I sat in fear and mostly in awe of where I am today.  I can not say this enough.  God is so good…!!!!!!!!!

So, as this memorial day comes and goes I hope everyone stays safe and has a terrific weekend.

Tomorrow I will go to watch 60 hot air balloons take off at 6:30am.  They do this every year and I have yet to watch.  So, tomorrow will be a first!

 

 

Then What?

I can/do live thinking beyond or behind my circumstances.  Taking away from the here and now.  I believe all of us do to some extent.  Well the other day in thinking about my future, my relationships, my wants, desires, dreams- it hit me.... then what?  So you are blessed to receive the 'things' you want.  Then what?  When actually I have what i need and then some.  In prayers I have asked God for many things, some more than once or twice.  In reflection it is real clear I have gotten exactly what I needed and a lot of what I wanted.  Matter of fact anything I wanted and didn't get have been erased by the acknowledgement of seeing what I have instead.  Amazng Grace.

We lost another on Monday.  The disease of untreated alcoholism is deadly.  Does not care who it takes out.  And it took a precious soul who could not get her footing back after having over 7 years without that poison.  Dead.  Alone.  Family found her.  How awful.  My heart breaks for her kids.  Her parents, her grandchildren (whom she adored).  Damn this disease. 

I listened last night to a topic in a meeting.  A part in the big book of alcoholics anonymous, 'and we have ceased fighting everything and everyone'.  CEASED.  And how many really do?  If I feel cross at anyone for how they believe, I am fighting.  Lots of times during the day or week I am met head on by my defiance and my unwillingness to not have to 'be right' especially when I conceed, conceed and still am being beat up by anothers actions or words.  Ugh!

So in reading my meditation it clearly states over and over (daily) to keep my focus on God.  To stay connected ALL through the day.  Perfect peace can overtake the darkness of the situation when i 'stop fighting' that includes myself. 

Sounds powerful or it can be a curse.  Honestly every thing we go through can be turned into something positive and useful in God's world.  Turn my thoughts to someone I can help and get out of my head.  What about me, what about me, what about me?  Self centered to the core but asking God to direct my actions..

I am still stuck in my head about the relationship I have with 'him'.  I become angry just thinking about 'it'.  So God here is another part of my life that I can not change without help...........

Living Marginally

Living Marginally!

I am currently doing a study on just that.  At first I thought, I am, living marginally.  But, after last night I was shown differently.  The key areas:

Emotionally

Financially

Spiritually

 

For when/if we do live within and leaving margins, we are a)happier thus emotionally better; b)living within my means, therefore alleviating the stress of financial woes; and lastly c) living a faith based life which must include that trust in a supreme being.

 

Again, I stress, I thought I was.   I mean everyone has ‘those days’ when any one of the above can be off kilter a tad.  Yes, we do.  That does not mean it should tilt our apple cart.  That is the purpose of this study.  Oh boy, we are in for a ride.  I am excited.

 

All of these are truly connected.  Connected by that trust/faith in what can not be seen.  Errrr! (slam on brakes sound)  fear is the steering wheel.  FEAR!  FEAR!  FEAR!

 

Living beyond fear, doing ‘it’ afraid…. I have lots of growing to do. 

 

 

Sunday marked my 5 year anniversary with my current job.  Who would have seen that coming. 

To think just over that time frame ago I was about to jump ship on the job I had taken after leaving a job I had held for almost 8 years.  See I do not leave many jobs and when I do it has always been for a better position.  This was no exception.  I may struggle with personalities at times, but I can honestly say I am truly blessed.

 

Son has a pretty hefty surgery today.  He has been in so much pain for so long and finally he is willing to take care of it.  Of course the underlying fear (for him, his fiancé and me…) is the pain meds issue.  He knows that 3 years ago I was up against the same scenario and was taken back to that place of abuse.  Thank God, for me, I was back on the sobriety track within a few days of realizing where I was headed. 

 

So, air conditioning is out at the house and it will be almost 90 today.  Hoping that can be fixed today…..

 

Marginally….. think about it…….