My Part, HIS part

MY PART

 

I have taken a blow to the gut today.  I couldn’t breathe.  It absolutely hit me hard.  It hurt.

When prayers change your course sometimes we leave people behind.  I know.  That doesn’t make it easy, it is just the facts.  However,  holding on just tight enough to keep what you are afraid to lose, isn’t the way to go.  And here I sit.

Now, I have had the chance to think this over.  And over.  And over.  Yup,  can’t let it go…yet. 

So, someone speaks their truth and if it hurts we are equipped to say, ‘well your entitled’.  Even if it hurts.  That is where I am. 

So, walking through the (a) hurt; (b) pain; (c) fear may just test my God waters.  I know that I know He will/ uh has done for me what I could not do for myself many times.  So, He will do this too.  In the meantime sitting in this may be uncomfortable. 

And like a big baby, I do not do uncomfortable well.  Or, for very long.

 

Day 1

HERE GOD!

What does my life experience with Christ look like?

What does my life experience with Christ look like?  That is the question that was presented to me.

It would be easier to say/show what my life was like without Him.  Well, with me leading my life.  A terrible mess, complete with fallen soldiers (relationships) scattered everywhere.  After all, isn’t our entire existence truly about relationships?  Ours with Him and us with the rest of the world. 

In my daily life there was no room for Christ or any God like living.  I was a one man army and had no problem taking casualties.  Of course I didn’t know that is what I was doing, but the rear view mirror shows it clearly.  It truly scares me to know (not just think) but know that I was walking as close to the enemy as I could have been and been a blind fool not to see.

Oh, I prayed to God anytime I was in a bind.  Please God, make this better.  Please God, help my marriage.  Please God give me what I want!  And Now!

Oh, and to keep up the façade/or appearance of a ‘put together woman’; I kept hair and nails done impeccably, clothes neatly pressed, job intact.   Those that suspected a broken woman said nothing.  Those that knew ran like hell.

Gentle coaxing was not getting my attention.  Oh that yearning from within was there, but gloriously doused or quieted by a mix of drink, drugs or whatever was available at that moment.  You see, that is all I knew… moment to moment. 

Everything was coming to an end and I somehow knew I could not go on.  I was tired.  I was broken.  I wanted to change.  But how?  Please God…. Help me.   (That is what my experience looked like).   At the end was a screaming of GOD PLEASE TAKE ME or FIX ME… I truly did not care which, but I could not go on.

Thank God!   Big smile appearing, this is the true deal. 

I was never an atheist.  Nor agnostic.  I knew God was ‘out there’ somewhere but did he truly care enough about me and my mess to help?  How could I connect with Him on a level I could trust enough so that I could lift my eyes to Him?  Whew!  That brings shivers just thinking about it.

So, 55 years and return about 5 of those to Him.  Those are the ones that I see clearly (now) how He was moving me away from my circumstances and closer to Him.  But!  For me, that meant saying goodbye to my marriage and my total self.  All of it.  Talk about scary.  I was consumed with fear.

He Saves!  He raises the dead (and I was dead).  He brings order and harmony to the least of these.  He never left me.  Those footprints on the sand really mean a lot to me, now.  So, what does my relationship with Jesus look like?

Salvation!  Complete submersion of my old self and a new creature in Christ Jesus.  I am alive.  Fear tries to take hold and when it does I can go to scripture and read: 

 

Deuteronomy 31:6; Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you or forsake you.

Romans 8:28; We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Proverbs 3:5-6; Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Please call me a follower of Christ.  A fanatic if you will.  I will not run.  I will not deny.  It is only God’s love that has given me this second chance at life.  I tear up at the thought of where I am now.  Knowing this was all part of a plan much, much larger than I. 

 

Spring ahead

Warmer weather and time change.

Winter isn't officially over but Spring is right around the corner.  Our temps are rising as our days get longer.  No one can dispute this was a long winter.  Cold, snow, grey skies.  I, for one, am ready for summer. 

I am not good at waiting.  Is anyone?  My state return was accepted in the beginning of Feb.  No refund yet, while people all around me are reaping in their refunds.  It does leave me thinking something is wrong.  I'd rather know than wonder.

Starting another dental round.  No further info is necessary, just know that not only is this to repair what was done about 3 years ago, but more on some other areas.  Thankfully my dentist offers 7am appts.  One of which is mine, this morning.

Still fighting the in and out of depression.  I see my dr. next week but honestly, I don't want them to change meds again.  I just wish I could leave all that behind. 

R and I are off again.  I just told him several weeks ago (again) that we will not carry on a physical relationship any more.  Funny thing is within a week or so he calls and wants to come over. 

Life happens, sometimes I participate and some days I dig my heels in and demand better from them.  But, allowing God to soothe my soul really gives me peace among the fear.

To leave this post in a negative light really does not show my heart this morning.  I am hopeful, and hopefully I will exude that today.

Jj

Here kitty kitty

When all else fails,,, love on your furry friends.