It's over.... or is it..

It's over......Or is it?

December 28th. or is it the 27th?  I'm not sure I have been sick since 6:00 on Christmas Eve.  You ask how do I know the hour?  I had a slight sore throat as I walked into church.  Within 30 minutes I had lost my voice.  By later that night I was coughing and wondering what had hit me.  By Xmas morning I managed to get to my daughter's for a few hours and that was it.  I spent the rest of xmas on the couch.  Coughing, feeling awful and worst of all............ no voice.  Anyone that knows me knows that I am lost without my voice or hands, as I suspect most of us are. 
However, by yesterday I demanded this 'flu' be gone (ha! ha!)  I loaded up on meds and managed to get my decorations down.  Later in the day I went out, hit a meeting and thought... 'hey I am over this'  until I walked into walmart.  I started hacking and coughing  and knew that the reason I am able to be up and out is, again,  meds.  cold and cough meds.   ugh!

So, this blog seems to be my 'voice' today...

I am sad to see the holiday's go.  It seems with it gone some of the kindness leaves too.  Why is that?  No more parties, gift swaps, family get togethers and worst of all at least 3 months of dreary days.

Sickness abounded during the week of Christmas.  Daughters family, one at a time got the worst stomach flu I have ever heard of.  Seems it hit my future daughter in law yesterday.  U-G-L-Y....

So, Christmas 2013 is now tucked away.  Gifts put away or returned. And by the way I got some really awesome gifts....

So, it is really cold outside, the coffee is piping hot and this blanket and couch are calling my name... If just for another day.   So much for my vacation.

It's a Wonderful Life

Theme?  Santa hats...
 

I'm not referring to Jimmy Stewart, although I believe we can all use a miracle, don't you?
Christmas is 3 days away.  Of course I am excited of Xmas morning and being with my fantastic grandchildren, my children, son's fiancé and the kids dad.  We are carrying on a tradition mom started when her grandkids were little.  I believe xmas is for kids.  All kids. 

So, this weekend was the "BoXXXXX's" gathering.  Not sure why it is called that since our extended families seem to fill up the place, and growing.  How awesome.  But, alas, the base family unit began with BoXXXXXX. 

I forgot the count, probably 20ish.... So many kids, grandkids..... And some family members that weren't able to make it last year.  My only regret is we did not get a group photo.  Dang it! 

Eating (our favorite thing to do) a few games and lots of laughter and fellowship.  Thank goodness we all get along.  There were times when we didn't.  Times when arguments insued, leaving hurt feelings or angry souls.  Are we beyond that?  I hope so.

In church this month they have asked if there is anyone that has inspired our walk or someone we may want to be a blessing to this week, month than write their name on a slip of paper.  We turn it in and they add it to a paper chain hanging from the stage.  I keep listing the same folks.  :)

Our temps are incredibly out of season.  The high yesterday was 70.  During the night a cold front moved through giving a light show and lots of rain and thunder.  If I wasn't concerned of tornado outbreak, I probably would have slept like a baby.  No!  Not the case.  We (in the south) know all too well the collision of two fronts hitting each other and the affects it causes.  We are not alone.  The news is full of ice, snow, rain, cold, cold cold.  Seems all areas from Texas eastward are affected.  Brother/sis in law are on the road heading north.  Actually we have heard they have arrived... safe.

So, it truly is a wonderful life, and I like it. 

Merry Christmas everyone...

Jj

Floating by or Fleeing from?

Floating by or Fleeing from?

I was reading a meditation this morning and it talked of slowing down.  Spending time daily connecting to ‘whatever’ power/spirit you may.  Not to be taken over by the ‘world’ and all it’s clammering.

While it did not hit me between the eyes (so to speak), it did whisper quietly to me.  How much time do I devote daily to my spiritual life?  I try to read something daily to get my mind focused on truth rather than fiction.  On inward reflection and direction before the car door shuts and life takes off for the day.  But, should it/does it stop when the book closes?  Most days my awareness surprises me; however, the gentle leading shouldn’t.  After all when I am pushing myself on life, it gets messy.  When I allow the flow I am at peace.

Peace, peace on Earth.  Inward peace.  Peace of mind.  So often I find my mind leading me in direction of negativity and without awareness I would be stuck.  A long time ago a lady I knew and I were talking about a guy we both knew.  It was not an inspiring conversation either.  I wouldn’t go as far as calling it bashing, but, well it was.  The next day she called me and said she did not like the way she felt after all we talked about.  Who we talked about.  She asked that going forward we not do that anymore.  I was taken aback by her cander.  I was embarrassed and ashamed vowing never to do that again.  Well that lasted all of a minute (figuratively).  So, as time passed and I continued, at times, to let you know how I viewed another person, that drag on my heart got stronger and stronger.  Is this how I want to live?  Is this constructive?   The answer is apparent.

Here, at the office I find that happening all the time.  He says, and I fall in line.  Like a little soldier.  How pitiful that can be.  Again, the awareness is the key, after all how can I change something I can’t see?  The key here beyond awareness is the willingness to do something different.  And today I want too and will try.  Much better than beating myself up for slacking, the positive change means much more.

December 19^th.  My family gathering is Saturday.  Silly as it sounds once that happens I almost feel the spirit leave.  As if Christmas has come and gone and it hasn’t even arrived yet.  Living in today should help that attitude…………  Practice! Practice! Practice………….

 

Next week I will begin on Xmas eve a 5 day staycation (if you will).  Doing nothing, doing something, doing whatever.  It doesn’t happen often that I have that many days in a row off.  I am so looking forward to it.  Of course the goal during that time is the decorations.  Down they will come and boxed up for next year.  But this is about Today!

Tonight I will go with son and his fiancé to a living xmas tree production at a  local church.  I haven’t been before but hear it is awesome.  Looking forward to spending time with them as well.

 

Enjoy!  Today may be all we get..

Am I the only one?

Am I the ONLY one?

I shut down during the holidays for several years following my divorce.  Several being 5 or 6.  I cried anytime I was in a store and they began to play the carols I loved, as it only reminded me of my loss and that I was truly single (alone).

A couple of years ago I began to emerge from this self-imposed exile (if you will).  I put up a tree for the first time, and tried to get excited.  The following year it got better until now.  Well actually even last year I was excited for the holidays.  Don’t ask me what had changed other than my sadness had begun to dissipate.  My loneliness and anger were being overcome by gratitude.  This year is no different unless you count that I’m even happier.  I loved decorating my condo.  Outside lights and all.  I even put up my little villages.  Every night I just sit and admire the twinkling lights and know that I have come so far.

So, here it is the 16^th of December.  In a little over a week this season of good tidings will be nearly over.   I’m not ready.  I love shopping, Christmas music, hustle and bustle… ALL of it!

I think one of the reasons I hate to see it go is having something to look forward to.  The frivolity of parties and gatherings of friends and family.  This week alone I am attending a church activity, a xmas party of dear friends and Saturday my family will gather at MY place.  MINE.  That hasn’t happened in so long. 

Now, in the realization of MY happiness lie many others that struggle during this time.  Either depression or desperation.  No money or no family or both.  Struggling to find the means to give just a small item to their children.  The children orphaned and left at shelters.  The elderly that no longer have anyone to come see them.  There are so many people that just can’t get excited over a season when that season means much more negative than anything.

And then I am reminded of what we are truly celebrating.  At church yesterday the pastor danced around with children laughing at the joy of knowing that Christ was born this month.  That our JOY is in His birth not all the other “stuff”.  I know that.  I also understand that to overlook that means we are so full of ourselves that we think more of ourselves than the BABY JESUS.    

So, as I observe all of the musings, I am reminded why we are all here.  Thank you Jesus!!!! 

You certainly are my savior and many others. 

Even if you don’t believe in Jesus, then the jolly old fat man should help you with this season.

 

 

 

December 16, 2013

A broken heart, a heart broken

There was a time that I just didn't have the ability (nor did I realize it) to truly love another human being without wanting something in return.  I know.  Truly sad.  That has changed.... and that love includes the good and the sad.

My heart breaks for a friend of mine.  Someone I have sat together in our circle for 8 years and watched each other struggle, listened to each other, encouraged one another.  And then BAM!  I was so sad for her last night.  I saw the pain in her face, I heard the incredible agony in her voice; all I could do was listen.  I suppose, at times, that is the best we can offer. 

Married for almost 30 years.  Not always great, but committed to children, and nearing retirement age.... things begin to change.  But nothing could have prepared her....... 

Leaving email open she finds a disturbing and truly life changing exchange between husband and 'old' female friend.  And it was graphic.  Devastation doesn't come close to describing what this has done.  I am not sure, but finding out that way is like being in the same room..... her visual is painted by the words written, leaving little to imagination.

All her dreams are blasted!  She told me that through thick (and there have been plenty) and thin they always remained committed to each other and raising their children.  Now that main thread has been frayed. 

So, there I sat, listening as her tears told more than her words and I could not hold mine back.  She seemed so defeated, so small..

I turn the mirror on myself.  Someone that had a sickness so deep that fidelity wasn't a word in my dictionary.  I have long since changed my ways, but how many lives were affected by actions of a self absorbed, drunk, self hating individual?  Changing lanes I can say I would not even consider anything close to that behavior today.  Or yesterday for that matter.  But I was shown how actions rip lives apart... 

Her life will heal as her trust in God shows her how to forgive or at least breathe through, what could be the turning point in the lives of 4 people..... Add 1 more to that........ what a vision into my future.  One that will never include encroaching on another's life........

Coffee and Warmth

Cold, rainy and 32degrees.   Yes, winter is here. 

As I sit here this morning coming to terms with the weather on the weather's terms, I decide to take a break and not go out this morning.  Instead I took time to do what I needed to take care of....  laundry, coffee, trash, coffee, bed making, coffee..... you get the point.

Did shopping for xmas yesterday.  Although it is fun, and the crowds are plenty, I trapsied to store after store.  Finding what was asked for by my precious grandkids.  Long gone are the days of toy cars, baby dolls..... to say I miss those days would diminish where they are today.  Teens or almost.  Electronics have taken place of puzzles and board games.  Although there will be one more bike bought, it will probably be the last.  Yes, that saddens me. 

I have written many many passages about the man child.  From screwed up to fixed up.  A true miracle.  Well we need another one.  Someone I love very much needs help.  Although they may have that external side that smiles and says, 'i'm fine"  I know better.  I have told them so.  They have lost 2 relationships recently due to excessive drinking.  Perhaps the lonliness is too much.  Maybe the loss of a child overshadows all they know.  God I know life happens when we surrender and how I wish/pray they will see that.  Right now,  they can't hear.  Too many chances being taken with health, safety and emotions. 

I am truly happy today. Inside the life I almost lost flourishes and thrives.  I hope it shows on the outside.  Sure, there are things still needing tweeked (no pun intended)  but I tell myself keep living.  Keep loving, keep giving. 

Loving those that seem unloved.  Caring for those who push everyone away.  Come on......Everyone.... we got to get together now....  

  Part of a childhood memory.  Elementary years spent here.  Awesome.

Saturday and Service & Unfortunately Suffering

Bitter cold Saturday morning.  33 degree's with windchill's much colder.  Brrrr.
In about an hour the Monday Night Manna woman will load up vans full of food boxes and head out to a local housing for older people.  Through bitter cold we "get" to show love and tenderness to those that can't get out or don't have family for help or perhaps just lonliness as they sit daily as the world passes by.  Will the cold matter, sure it will.  Will it change our direction and stay indoors, NO.  Here we come.... :)

On a different light I had a horrible night.  Frightened by pain that wouldn't allow me to raise my head without major pain in my neck.  I tried and tried to get comfortable during a fit full night of some sleep.  Got up at 1am and took some Aleve.  Somehow I managed to sleep better till early this morning.  Sitting here right now as I lean to the left and right with my head it is obvious this is not going away anytime soon.  The dose pack the doctor gave me earlier in the week has not diminished this pain AT ALL.  I realize with people dying, hungry, homeless, jobless that my neck pain is nothing to complain about.   But it is part of who I am right now.  Hopefully the day will give me some relief.  Hopefully because we have over 200 boxes to load and deliver.

Nelson Mandela died earlier this week.  What a life legacy he leaves behind.  We should all aspire to be a man so dedicated to bettering the world we ALL live in.  He fought, suffered and won through his 95 years on this earth.  I'm sure God said to him, "job well done"...

He was sent to prison for 25 years............ All for trying to change the oppression in Africa.  There is a song, 'Abraham, Martin and John"  Perhaps we should add "Nelson" to that.
So, Lincoln, King, Kennedy and Mandela keep our hearts in the direction of change.  To understand we are all of the same maker.  Love one another and stop making a system that delineates classes.  God sees ALL men/woman as the same.  Why can't we?

Happy December 7th.  Uh oh.  Today is Pearl Harbor day and what would have been the birthday of my brother's oldest son who died in 2010. 

Celebrate or hate?  Love or Oppress?  Live or die.......

Calendars.........................

Calendars?   But Why?

It is the best time of the year.  Hey, make that the most wonderful time of the year and all of a sudden I hear Johnny Mathis singing…

I am thrilled, albeit overwhelmed to know that I have to keep a calendar (especially at this time of year) to make sure I am where I am supposed to be when I am supposed to be.  Well something just got added and when I pulled up the entire month of December it was full!  Awesome….

I am planning on making a huge dent in shopping this weekend.  I may be broke on Monday but having that out of the way just gives me more time to enjoy the rest of the season.  Amen, amen.

Saw an awesome play at church last night.  The Forgotten Carols.  Really done well.  Broadway players… With the exception of how cold it was in the auditorium.  I wanted to curl up in my chair… brrrr.

So, checking MY list; invites to family members for our gathering.. check..  Shopping begun.. check..  Thought put into all gifts.. check.  Menu for gathering.. check check.  Xmas cards mailed.. check, check, check.  All the decorations done… Yes, Yes….Relax your half way there.  Where?  Done.  Done?   There ya go again, making this about a chore, a race, than an eventful season to be enjoyed.  Whew!  Glad you caught that one.

Tomorrow morning several vans will load up 400 boxes of food and deliver them to a bunch of needy folks.  That just makes my day!  Not just to be of service, but to know that someone is getting what they need.  They always appreciate our deliveries.  Yesterday it was 70+ degrees out.  Today it is rainy and a chilly 40.  Tomorrow a.m. it is supposed to be in the 30’s.  Delivery will keep us warm.

After that, and the shopping excursion, I plan on staying in.  Playing carols, maybe cooking.  Reading the latest book I checked out of the library…. Or doing nothing.  My time, my time.

Sad news; a guy that went to school with me died on Sunday.  Now, we hear more and more of classmates dying.  We are in our mid fifties, which isn’t old but hey, we are mortal.  His passing has hit me hard.  Just a good soul.  He killed himself out of fear of being a burden to his family.  Seems he had known for sometime that his health was failing.  I can not imagine what his family is going through.  Death is so permanent.  How we leave can leave an imprint that is worse than death.  In this case…. That probably will never leave his family.  BUT!  No judgment just concern.

 

To end of a happy note:  All about me and my feelings:  Today all is good.  All the puzzle pieces are where they are supposed to be.  I am at peace……… with myself….. which is the hardest things to come by…. For me. 

 

12/6/13

And so the mad rush begins..

And so the mad rush begins.  The over spending (or frustration of not being able to spend), the hustle and bustle of gatherings, mailings, wrappings……..And why?

I had a thought this morning on my quiet ride to work.  If I/we give with love then our expectation should be just that.  Love.  If the giving (or not) is out of a ‘have to’ then what good is that?  With 4 grandchildren, my spending is directed at their lists.  Children next and so on.  Gifts gets smaller but what difference does that make?  I am of the mindset that if I can and it is a request within reason, then I shall turn over every rock to find that gift.

Online shopping has been so convenient.  But I feel like I am missing out on that ‘crowd’ issue so many rant about.  If I go ‘out’ with a mindset of, yes there will be lines, yes there will be screaming kids… I could go on but the point being it’s our frame of mind that causes the discomfort inside.  This weekend I hope to complete 90% and give it a big Hurrah!

On a different note someone close to me is so near the edge that I fear for them.  Whenever I see them I can see the decline and want so badly to say ‘look at what is going on’ but I keep my mouth shut.  That scares me too.  The what if’s are bad enough but turning a blind eye is probably not the solution.  I have been molded by the program of Alcoholics Anonymous to stay out of others business.  And I do for the most part.  But this is truly upsetting.  They don’t think they need help nor do they want to stop the behavior.  The losses will begin to pile up; let’s hope it isn’t too late.

Another body part goes down.  In the summer I began to have neck pain.  You know you wake up in the morning and have a stiff neck but go about your business anyway.  I was on the treadmill several different times and just felt that ache on the left side.  But again, I would just brush it off.  Until a few weeks ago.  Bam!  Not an injury but a pain shot down my neck into my back.  I nursed it and nursed it.  Held back at the gym if I went at all.  Everything seemed to bother it.  I bought a heat pack and applied it whenever I could.  Some nights I would get up several times and heat it back up and try to go back to sleep with the neat penetrating the painful area.  I say area because I can’t put my finger on the pain.  But I know where it is coming from.   I figured it was radiating from another area.  Anyway.  I was goofing off with the grandkids this past weekend playing Wii bowling.  Uh huh I turned after getting a strike and bam!  The pain took me down.  I was out for the count. 

I finally called the doctor on Monday after not being able to move my neck pain free all weekend.   After x-ray and some hands on, he determined it to be advanced arthritis.  Well that doesn’t surprise me.  So, prednisone for a few days and PT.   Return appt in January. 

So, I spill it all again as if I have a cyber-friend that listens intently.  But, it is my way of weeding through the noise in my head.

It is a warm muggy day in the south with cold air moving in.  Hopefully that won’t produce any tornados.  Fingers crossed.

 

Enjoy today, it truly is all we have…………

 

 

12/05/13