A little yuck and lots of thanksgiving

First off, I do not like nor ‘do’ change well.  Below is a perfect example:

While grateful  to have a new laptop, I am less than enamored with windows 8…. Hard as heck to maneuver, made for touch screens and tried to get it to be friendly with all other computer devices. 

I am one of the ‘lucky’ ones.  I have been slowly trying to adapt since September.  One day it seems ok, the next there is nothing friendly about it.  Without bashing this any further (since I am sure you have the point) I found a ‘fix’ in installing windows 8.1    So, I did.  

Listen, my mouse pad quit taking commands.  I could not close any programs.  It was awful  and making matters worse is my a) lack of knowledge and b) desire to find out how to work around this. 

This morning, out of frustration, I reset my computer back to factory settings.  The only thing left in tact was my photos or any other files I had stored.

So, I did not throw out my laptop like I threatened to do last night.  Not sure if all will be well tonight, but there is always hope.

Hope………….  This thanksgiving I believe all that sit at the table with my children will feel.  And prayerfully say that “T” will be here next year.  His chemo is going ok (if that is possible).  He is on his 3^rd round, skipping every other week.  So, this being a chemo week, I hope  he will feel like eating with us. My granddaughter has a tradition with her pawpaw that she spends the night b4 Thanksgiving with him.  Helping prepare dressing and other goodies.  The other day she quietly mentioned that it won’t be the same anymore.  I could feel her sadness.  I had to look away to keep from crying.  She seems like an old soul at times, at only 13.

So, swallowing hard and praying to God that we ‘get’ another chance to gather around the table blessed with all the goodies made with love;  our family will survive and my grandchildren will always know how loved they are.

 

 

Hustle and Bustle....... Happy Holidays!

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christimas…………………………………. Doesn’t it all run together?

What to wear, what to cook, what to buy?  Too many options, even for a simple gal like me…

Going through boxes of decorations last weekend I became excited at the thought of outside decorations…. More space for a true ‘decorated’ holiday feel.  Do I share (again) that I haven’t really decorated for many years.  Well until a few years ago, and that was just putting up a tree.  But, it’s on now… And I am ready! 

When I say ‘ready’ I suppose that encompasses several areas.  I mean financially, Xmas is stressful.  Emotionally,  better than the last 9 years.  All my ducks being in a row includes my children/grandchildren being ok, which it appears they are!  I believe (not being a scrooge though) it is a good time to teach the kids that to give to help others is what we are here to do.   At church they do a shoebox for children ministry.  Meaning you choose the age and sex of a child and buy accordingly.  But, everything is supposed to fit in a shoebox.  One that you wrap up.  These get sent to 3^rd world countries for children that don’t have anything.  Nothing.  So, this weekend my granddaughter and I will set out to fill a box.  I’d like to do one with each g-kid but time got away from me.   So, one will have to do.

As the ‘host’ of the family xmas gathering, I chose to have a Santa Hat theme.  I thought it would be fun to decorate our hats with our own personality, indicative of our personality, our likes.  How fun is that!

Miss Sydney and I will tackle her’s this weekend too.  Hopefully the other 3 will have time to get theirs done too. 

Saw ‘r’ last night.  Yes, another battle.  Not physically nor emotionally.  Spiritually.  This is not what I am supposed to be doing.  Nor is it something I want to do.  He is my drug.  I let go for a day, a week and then go back.  I pray without ending for help.  I am so powerless to stop.  He isn’t mean to me, he is kind, generous and frankly if I wasn’t so convicted to do what is right. I would just keep going. 

‘M’ is getting married.  Sometime next year.  She is a great person and he is certainly choosing well.  They seem perfect for each other.  I am beyond words for this and all that has changed in him/for him in the last 18 months.  If there isn’t a God then someone is certainly watching out for him.  Wow!  What a transformation.

So, Thanksgiving is next week.  Black Friday has been moved up even more.  Stores opening at 6:pm on Thanksgiving day.  Where is the family time going too?  I mean we eat, we visit, perhaps nap but shop?  Not in the past.  I think of the employees of those stores that open.  How awful for them.  Society dictates when we open, close etc.  24 hours a day seems to be the norm these days.  BUT leave our holidays alone…….

So, no deep ponderings today.  Quiet-ness of the afternoon and I sure am enjoying that. 

Here is the deal……………………………………

 

Jj

That Inner 'tug'

That inner ‘tug’ if you will.  That inner ‘voice’ some call it.  That inner ‘leading’.  God conscious… is what I call it.   How do we/did I get there?   Pain baby, pain!  Crazy to say that but how else would I throw caution to the wind and let it fly!

In the beginning (early sobriety) I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going.  I was being led by someone that had gone before me, someone that understood the fear I was experiencing.  And believe me, there was plenty to go around.  It is written (dear lord that sounds like a line from Fiddler on the Roof HA!) in our big book (AA) it tells us exactly what to do with fear.  What to do with any of our ‘mess’ and that which comes afterwards.  The woman that guided me, exposed my world to the necessary steps to find peace in a world full of anything but!  As skeptical as this gal was, I was even more so filled with anger and resentment galore.  With no where to put them, they stayed inside and came out in the oddest of ways.  And boy was it not pretty. 

But, I began with that ‘still small voice’ leading me/you/us in a direction that lacks our attention but certainly needs our cooperation.  It is also written that if we are still blocked from that ‘voice’ by our own issues that keep us from that voice, we should share that, give it to that ‘power’ and continue moving.  I did that.  Piece by piece of my world, complete with the things I thought I could never live with or without.

Life gets better and bigger.  But I must keep that channel open.  What blocks it- is the stuff that makes me drink or worse.  Without proper ‘tools’ if you will.. I am at the mercy of my own screwed up thinking and actions.  How insane is that?  Yup, that is what I thought too!

Lighthearted as this sounds, it certainly was not during that time.  Nor is it today when I feel beat up by ‘life’.  But, over and over I am reminded that I signed up for sober living; and what I got is sober thinking.  Most of the time.

If, in doubt, I pause (yup, from that book) allowing that millisecond of time get between me and my mouth or my angst; I have found I am less likely to have more of an emotional mess, some of which I have to clean up. 

So, in the stillness of the night, or the quietness of the morning  OR the craziness of my day, if I stop (pause) and ask……. I find being led by the spirit of the universe brings me the peace I always desired. 

Here a blog, there a blog....

When i was getting sober/clean I was shown some sober blogs online.  I fell in love with several and totally enjoyed reading their intimate details of their daily lives.  It gave me hope for mine.  They walked parallel lives with me and i felt connected.
One of my favorite bloggers has decided after 15 years she is calling it quits.  It saddened me but hey, we all stop sooner or later.  I learned so much from her.
I do realize that mine blog began as a sober musings.  Daily doings.  Family Focus.  Darn near anything i wanted to write about , i did.  But then it did become old. Old as in who is going to read my 'stuff'.  I wanted my blog to be about 'breathing through a sober life' and it has taken some heavy curves. 
So, i'm not going anywhere (at least for now) but hopefully i will steer myself back to what excites me.  SOBER living, thinking, breathing. 

I think sometimes the more you talk about something the bigger it gets and sometimes bigger can be good. 

I read a cooking blog that is so entertaining.  But, for me, mine is just a gal trudging the road, one day as a time.

Joy is truly something that exudes from folks that love who they are, where they are and what they do.

Joy.   I love it!