Year in Review

I became very lazy about posting.  That sums up a lot.  It tells you that I am unmotivated to do this.  Why?  Probably because I wonder if it serves any purpose.  My own?  Probably.
So, the year was interesting.  If I re-read this blog I would probably remember more but here goes:
  I started out with a bang.  Staying sober and loving that.  But still struggling w/ a few issues.
  Horrific Tornado blew through here in April.  I can't remember how many people died but it was a bunch.    Saw damage that I/we won't soon forget.  It was so sad.  And, might I add, one of the scaries nights i can remember.  Lost power for 7 days.
  Knee surgery in June.  Harder than I had anticipated but now, looking back ha!  It's like childbirth.  You soon forget.  But, I don't want to go through that again.
  Relapsed!  Holy crap.  I still can't fathom that one.  But, I am still an addict inside and I must never forget that.  I jumped right back into this and have thrived ever since.  Probably learned a lot about myself in the process.
  Had extensive dental problems.  More pain than even the knee surgery.  And I mean back to back.  I am fine now but whew! Another thing I would rather never repeat!
  Got to go to St. Louis to see my gal Joyce Meyer.  Went with friends and had a grand time.
  Although I slacked at the gym, I am still there.  Have not gained any weight which totally thrills me.
  Still seeing Ron.  Some days I want to walk.  Other days I still enjoy his company.  Go figure.  One thing I won't do is beat myself up about it. 
  OH and lest I forget!  I got baptised on May 29th...  I am totally committed to this new way of living even if I stumble, I will get back up.  Defined by His love and Grace, not my shortcomings.

So over all it's been a good year, but once again hindsight (or rearview mirror looking) I can see so clear His hand on my life.  However, I still, at times, try to regain control of where I am going.... I still can make that a total mess. 

I am in a good place.  Even though:  Son is homeless, got arrested, dad bonded him out, he stole some personal items of mine and I forgive him, just as I am forgiven of my past indiscressions. 

God, I will walk towards you, always asking how may I serve you and my fellows. That my light and better life will be the beacon that draws others to you.  If that be your will.

Good bye 2011..........................

 

Walk through it, Not around it

FACE IT!  I was in the middle of a horrific panic attack.  Brought on by a financial crisis, brought on by spending $$ before it was actually in my hand.  Get the picture?
So, after finding out the $$ I was expecting is half of what I thought it would be, I had a come apart.  Which for me are happening too frequently these days.
How did I handle it?  Well I went to a meeting.  I listened for some sage advice.  The subject wasn't brought up by me, but the answer may come during someone sharing about something else.
It continued to escalate.  Thought about right before going to bed.  Woke up during the night, yup still there.  First thing this morning. 
Alright I start praying.  Praying,  Praying.  In our book it talks about praying without ceasing.  That was what I did. 
Needless to say, I am ok.  It still is a problem, but it will and I will, be ok. 
As always, God brings me back to earth and gives me the ease and comfort I always looked for.

Quietness

I looked back at the last few posts.  It's been a few days.  I could feel the anger oozing out of me and on to the page.  YUCK.
Thank God I have had some good days since.  Good as far as work goes.  Somedays I still feel the iritation, but it's better.  I'm better.
I got a call from a sponsee the other day.  She was pitifully upset over a work matter.  I could feel her sense of urgency to be relieved of her hurt and anger.  Wow did that bring me back.  I urged her to get to the next available meeting.  We talked later about what really happened (internally).  We are such emotional creatures.  I believe that gets better but does it ever go away?  I mean am I asking God to change who he made me to be?  I know that sober I am an intelligent woman.  I am caring and love helping people.  But give me a day where it's all uphill and I will swear none of this is worth it.  And then I hit my knees and get re-connected. 
Son had to go again.  Stole computer and father's dulcimer (which to me and my family can not be replaced).  I got the items back after getting the pawn tickets from him.  I have only seen him a few times since then (which is probably 3 weeks now).  I know he is living on the streets.  It breaks my heart.  I pray for him to find peace.  To sober up.  Sometimes I wonder how he keeps going w/ nothing to live for.  I have given him to God, for his peace and mine.
The relationship is still on.  I can not put into words how I feel about it anymore.  It changes.  I know that lately I can feel the pull to stop.  A God thing totally.  But I still yearn for a person to love.  A relationship like what we HAD.  IF I truly had enough faith wouldn't I allow God to direct me in all my affairs (no pun intended). 
God is awesome.  I feel His presence so often.  I am in awe when I allow my spirit to be guided.

Another sober, useful day.