I could not get beyond the depression I was in. Been getting worse and worse. I finally got to the doctor. Went on an antidepressent. Much needed. I feel better already. It is so hard to describe to someone the darkness and despair depression can cause. I kept wondering, "what is wrong with my program" what am I not addressing. I did not get an answer. Crying became a daily affair.
To say that I have addressed every aspect of my physical well being since December is an understatement. I have caught up on all doctor appts. I work out religiously 3 x's a week, try to eat right, get plenty of rest. So when I still was emotionally a wreck I knew something was wrong.
So, my experience will change with this new avenue. Even though the big book tells us that sometimes we have to seek outside help, I told myself I was ok. Time has taken care of quite a bit of my mess, that and the steps. But after 6 years in the program 5 of which have been sober, something was seriously chinking away at my armour.
I began to hate to receive calls from sponsees. I just believed my head when it said i have nothing to offer. I began to hate the program, the people and myself. I tried to confide in some folks I trusted but honestly they had no more idea of what to do than I did.
There in lies a huge problem. I have always looked to others for my answers. Of sober living I think I'm relying of God but still go to others with my problems. People that have not been through the same things can not know what to do. Not even on their best days.
That is why we say we share OUR experience, strength and hope. OUR's. I will remember that going forward.
I am blessed not to have drank over the past few months. Today I'm happy to say I am happy to be sober. AND alive. I could not have said that a month ago.........
