Reality Check

It begins daily with my desire to stay sober.  Asking for help, meditation, prayer.  Someone told me once to stay as clean as possible in the steps.  Wow that can be a chore at times.  But when I see how awful lives can be (and yet again) I do not want that pain.  No more, no how.  That is why my resolve may wain but I still do what I have been taught daily, to stay sober.
Now, staying free from pain aint' gonna happen.  So living this new life with sorrow, fear, comes along with joy, peace, contenment.  Can I have one and not the other.  No. 
So, in the past 3 months there has been more tears shed for the dying.  More fears revealed.  It took me by surprise to say the least.  At times I clung to another recovering woman just to keep my sanity in check. 
And then I've had moments of clarity it talks about in the bb.  Moments.  But they have come and will continue as long as I do not put anything in my body.  And allow God to fill my soul. 
A better deal?  You betcha!

And another.............

The calls seem to keep coming.  And we will bury another one.  Is it just me or when someone dies we seem to reflect back to the last conversation with that person.  He confided he was a mess.  Bi-Polar mess.  unsuccesful attempt to take his life a few months ago.  Well either he was successful this time or something interveined.  He was found dead by the neighbor after not answering his phone for a few days. 
So I cry (as will many others) as losing anyone is sad, hard.  Families are left shattered.  His will be no different.  I asked God why?  Who next?  How many more?  I am left afraid and vulnerable.  If the great and powerful force takes people either randomly or not so, then will he take one of my precious grandchildren?  My children?  Have I faith that no matter what I will be ok?  Yes.  But what about all the other people?  We all have the same opportunity but do we take it?
All I am sure of is this;  to take a drink will wipe away any life I may have.  Maybe slowly but it will.  As I prayed this morning I asked the God that I am certain I don't understand, to please be with us - ALL of us. 
And to you MM rest in peace, finally.

Believe in HOPE

Believe in HOPE

If you believe in anything, anything at all,

Believe in hope – without it we will all fall.

Fall for anything.  All will be lost,

Without hope – what will be the cost?

I know this, because I’ve been there.

I know…. I was filled with despair.

Some months ago, perhaps it was a day or two,

I clung to something they said to do.

Belief is something that comes with time,

Holding on to a thought or a feeling inside.

That leaves us knowing that all will be right,

There is a power much greater than all of that fright.

It’s in that belief somewhere deep inside,

The fear started shifting, leaving little to hide.

Like a child with their blanket, I held on so tight,

And the miracle began to stand me upright.

I peered around, loosening my grip,

And  all that shame, fear and anger began to slip,

Away to a place I could no longer afford,

To visit.   I was now with my Lord.

Their promise became mine somewhere along the way,

To keep it close to me is what I do pray.

So if hope escapes you, and fear shows it’s face,

Come visit me in my own secret place.

I will assure you of this and you will see,

That hope resounds inside of me.

Some of us don't ever get "this"

A sponsee of mine chose to go out and do what we do when we hurt and don't see the benefit of this program.  It took her to a place so scary that she is now in ICU.  Frail, shaking, like a wild child with eyes so scary that it saddens me.  And I have not the power necessary to get her sober.   That is my lesson in this.
Oh but I want too.  Don't we want everyone to find the solution?  To walk in the sunlight of the spirit.  We have had many discussions about God and spirituality that I began to think was just too much for her.  And it was.  Because she made it that way. 
So as she is laying there probably trying to remember all that happened, I sit here trying to find the words to say to her, you can do this, but not without help.   We are all helpless.  Isn't that what step 1 tells me?
So, I'll reserve the anger towards this disease  today.  I'll give this to a God that I don't understand but He is ok with that.  I'll leave this where it is and hopefully she will get better and pickup these simple spiritual tools.  A design for living that has NOT let me down, not once. 

Family Dis-ease

Initially I thought I was horrible and I was - at that time

Leading that double life took all that was left behind.

People fled.  Pets were dead.  Spouses hated, children waited.

Those that had not a clue.  Those who I hoped never knew.

The secret life had finally managed to eradicate and totally ravage

Those sweet souls who loved without respite, young and old – nary a night

Slipped by without the worry and woe – keeping them at bay hopping they wouldn’t know.

Time and God cleaned up that mess.  Only for me - not the rest.

It seems a folly for me to think, that they are helped without me and a drink.

But hurt and anger always will be, closer to them near to thee

So help them is not what I can do, it’s out of my hands I wish they knew

The love of God, his mercy and grace.  Helping me to live without disgrace.

At times I cry and feel so apart from - All those who know where I came from.

I continue to pray for peace in their lives, perhaps they will see and drop their disguise

It’s not always easy but certainly a better today, I’m a free ‘er man in most every way.

if doubt still mires you and your head full of pride-

Self pity and anger won’t leave your side.

Then listen to my words – It’s never too late.  I wish for you the same in all that I do

It’s you that I pray for and cry all the same.  I adore each of you and love you too.

Early Sobriety SUCKS

I am reminded often while working w/ woman newcomers how hard early sobriety is.  I mean it does get easier BUT the beginning is hard.  It was extremely hard for me due to lots of consequences.   He left.  Probably the hardest thing besides getting sober that I had to deal with.  Creditors, family crisis.  It was all there.  So, just sobering up obviously was not enough.  And those early days were horrendous.    But I digress. 
so I get a call from a sponsee last night, frantic!  Help my husband is going to get high and wants me to go with him.  He wants all our $$.  I won't be able to go home.  Uh yup.  I get it.  That's what we do when we aren't getting sober.  Through sobs she determined she needed a place to crash for the night which she found in a caring soul in our group.  i talked to her this morning and she actually had slept well, stayed sober and was feeling stronger than ever about sobriety.  HERS!  Bingo   that's what it takes, right?
So, as she muddles through these trying days of dont' drink, go to meetings, clean house, trust God and work w/ others we shall see how this program unfolds in her life.  It won't be easy.  No home, no car, no family close.   That is what we are get with early sobriety.  But I always say the good news is you get to stay sober.  For without that all your choices go out the window.
Thank God for all that I am and all that I'm not.  And today it teeters more to the all that I am side of the sober scale. 
She will get there, just like the rest of us, one day at a time. 

And we bury another one......

It is sad.  They say jails institutions or death.  I'll take recovery.  Last night the meeting was rather dark.  I mean everyone wanted to make it about how they are affected by this person's death.  After some sobriety (unclear how long, maybe a few years?) he goes in and out, in and out.   Until out is a slab at the morgue.  Of course we are affected.  He was a friend, a brother, a son, a father.   He was one of "us".  The ripple affect can be felt in may directions.  My anger dissipated early today after shedding tears and sharing fears w/ a fellow recovery AA'r. 
Today I don't want to die.   I mean we get busy living or get busy dying.  It's that simple.  But it wasn't that way, that long ago.  I did want to die.  I mean I begged God to take me or fix me and I didn't care which.  the pain was too great for me.   And I sit here today with 3.5 years of sobriety.  It has not always been easy.  But looking back it was always better than that last drunk.  Better than the slow death I was living. 
Now when I sponsor woman and they say I hate being sober I think well then go out and try some more.  When you really get tired of being tired of that way of living, doesn't it make sense to listen to what is said in those rooms.  Get busy working the steps.  Relief comes.  Real relief.  Relief from the bondage of all that held me down.  I bite my lip thinking about all that I lived through.  I could cry but why?  I mean it took what it took and it took a lot! 
When I think of living in the dregs of the universe I shudder w/ dismay and disgust.  My lowest was stealing from anyone that I could so that I could get what I needed just to survive.  Lying to anyone and everyone so that I could keep doing what I was doing.  A manipulative, coniving, lying thief of a shell of a woman that at one time had the love  of a terrific husband.  The admiration of co-workers, and the life that I thought would give me the peace and happiness that had alluded me my entire life.  We all know that won't and doesn't happen.  And the really sad part is that I didn't know that.  Ignorance is bliss?  Uh ignorance is sad.......
So, happily I write this with some semblance of peace of mind, lots of good things going on in my life and the best part is I can actually say I can feel the presence of a power that leads me in the right direction.  Wow  incredible. 
Now on to the funeral for  a man not yet 40 who just couldn't get this program....

To say I HATE this disease is an understatement

Or should I?  If I reflect on  my own path it lead me to a God so full of grace he gave me the strength to go on when no one else cared if I lived or died.  But it takes so many of us too.  This morning I got "that" call.  One of my group members was found dead of probably an overdose.   I am sitting here grieving for all that he was and could have been.  He was 40 years old.  His sister, dad, wife and step mother all are part of our group.  His mother is beside herself.  We bury ourselves everytime one of "us" dies this way. 
To never have known relief before dying of this disease is sad enough.  But he had been in our rooms.  He had been sober.  I asked about him the other day.  It was not good news.  But we ALWAYS reserve hope, don't we?  It is in this realm that I say  I HATE this disease.   I HATE what happens if we don't seek a solution.  But if we never knew then we never knew. 
But what about those of us that knew and still chose to return to that darkness?  Is that worse?  Who knows? 
I said a pray for the handful of us that will mourn the loss of someone too young to die but older than most for having lived the life he had.  
I am grateful for the opportunity to stay sober one more day and be of use to his family that is left to pick up the shattered pieces of a life cut short too soon.
For you WP  may you finally have the peace you so craved........

Am I right?

That is not a question for you to answer but a point to ponder. 
I had a sponsee slip.  so did her hubby.  HIS sponsor wanted me to come over and sit w/ the 3 of them and help them come up w/ a relapse prevention plan.  Really?  what plan could possibly be better than our steps and the power of a God much greater than I?  I explained that I was taught by the woman that have shared my path, that what's beyond the end of my nose is none of my business.  That I am here to help MY sponsee.  Her hubby is not my concern.  He chatted about what the book says.  That we are to leave our jobs, go out when we don't feel like it, to lend our help where it is needed.  Oh great.  I had no comeback for that one except anger.  But after talking to MY sponsor I got out the bb.  Under the chapter "working with others".  Chocked full of information.  The least of which talked about how we go about helping others. 
Doesn't it also say we do not make this our occupation? 
I talked w/ my sponsee last night.  I explained I'm willing to help her through the steps but the rest of this has got to be thought out. 
Now, on to why he bothers me.  That, my friend, is about not liking to be told what to do.  I know that about myself from working those steps.  I also know that to be open minded I am living as a wide eyed wonder kid and eager to learn.  That  you taught me within those rooms. 
God puts people in our path.  How awesome that, today, I 'get to' share my time with them.

CHANGE(S)

I came here to learn how to live without drinking.  Without hurting anyone else.  What I heard scared the hell out of me.  I had to change one thing... and that was EVERYTHING!  How do you do that?  EVERYTHING?  Really?  It took quite awhile to even believe that I needed an overhauling.  A complete change in how I think, which changes how I react and feel.  How do I do that?  Really, I only want the bad stuff to stop happening.  That's it.
Well I jumped into this program everytime something got really bad.  When life straightened out, bam! Right back out I'd go.  And each time it got worse.  And each time I would tell myself, "it can't get worse than this".  And sure enough I would manage to make it that way.. and then some.
Then I heard, "we have ceased fighting anything or anyone".  And slowly that is happening.  Not a bandaid fix which once the scab heals I go back to redamage it.  But a true psycich change.  One necessary to bring about recovery.  I am of the educational variety it talks about in the apendix.  I believe most of us are.  Tell me then let me do it on my own and find out the hard way.  (does this sound familiar?).
Thus my life began again.  June 14, 2007.  Although I also had  sometime in Oct 2004 and then Dec 30, 2005.  But this time, yes this time, I wanted to change.  Not just so the hurt would stop, but so that I could live daily without alcohol. 
And that is what you promised "if" I worked those steps, lived the principals. 
Wow!  Who would have thought this?

Let me not forget that this disease wants me dead!

I was reminded of this again last night when  another group member told me about a young girl that came to our group for a short few weeks and one night went home and hung herself.  She died but was brought back to life.  Yes, she was found hanging fromt he second story balcony in her complex.   Brought back to life!  She stayed in the hospital for a few weeks.  She is a miracle.  And hearing of this brought tears to my eyes.  Especially after spending time the night before, on the phone, w/ a sponsee that just can't accept the God thing. 
Understanding w/ my heart that we die from this dis-ease is hard at times.   I mean my head tells me that is the truth.  But until you see it straight on.... the doubt is always looming. 
I went to one of our inpatient facilities last night.  they allow us to bring our experience, strength and hope to the woman on Monday nights.  Doing this is part of giving back but it allows me to see how some people still don't see how grave the whole "addictive lifestyle" truly is.  I saw one woman giggling and having a good time and I could not stop thinking about the lifeless body of the woman as she hung from the balcony. 
Why do so many of us die?  Our book tells us some of us do.  I am so grateful that I was willing to hang on and do a few things to insure sobriety.  EVEN when it seemed futile.  Even when most of what I am feeling is trying to steer me into that lie once again. 
This is a better deal.  I am incredibly comfortable and reasonably happy.  All by the grace of God.

Dare I mention GOD>?

I have a sponsee that is unable/unwilling to accept the idea of a power greater than her.  We talked for quite awhile last night about how you grow in that idea.  I pointed out the spiritual experience in the appendix of the bb.  I shared my experience.  We talked about the entire God idea and I found myself wincing at the thought of not believing in something, anything that could lead me in a direction of sober living, sober thinking, sober acting. 
I had to think back (although not that long ago) at my journey to this understanding.   I shared that it has changed as I have grown.  It has evolved as I have stayed sober. 
But later that night as I reflected on our conversation, I was saddened to think that what I was trying to do was convince her that this is the way to sobriety.  Convince, really? 
Why didn't I labor long of how many times she tried to stop and couldn't.  Why didn't we languish in the truths of her path up to this point?  It all seemed totally worthless to me as I lay there in the dark thanking God for keeping me sober and knowing she was at the jumping off point.  She asked if I believe in heaven and hell.  I told her yes to the heaven.  She told me that if she didn't believe in hell she would have checked out of this world already but she was too afraid that would certainly condemn her to whatever that concept is for her.  Which sounded scary. 
I quickly jumped on that idea.  Well if your too afraid to die why don't you get busy living?  they say that willingness is the key.  THE key.   It has to begin somehwere.  We ended the tear filled conversation with a promise from her to me that she would at least try the 3rd step prayer daily for awhile.  Just see where it leads you. 
Then I get a call today at lunch.   From her.  She was ecstatic.  A former ballet dancer and a member of an elite dance troope that years ago was filled with hard fisted believers... yup Christians.  AND she admited to me that back then she wanted what they had.  they all were happy.  loving life.  And she was not.
Well out of the blue she received a call from the director today.  They will be in town tonight and invited her to come to see them.  What?  Really?   I could not resist,.    A GOD thing.  REALLY?   I trust that is exactly what that is.........  She seemed giddy and, at the most, accepting that it was an odd call at best.  After all the last time she had anything to do with them she was proudly denouncing the entire outfit as Jesus Freaks and she wanted no part of them anymore.  She was happily going on her way w/ pockets of Xanex and any other pills she could fit in those size 0 jeans.   That lasted 7 years. 
7 years and NOW the call comes in.  7 years.  REALLY?  
God is amazing.  He is all around and I got to experience that sense of joy that was spilling out of her today.  
Unbelievable. and less than 24 hrs ago she was ready to leave this life.   REALLY?  REALLY?   hmmmmm