Regrouping..

Regrouping.  Refreshing.  Reclaiming.  Mind, body and spirit.

It is necessary at times to take a step back.  Look around and re-access.  Is there something that needs to be discarded?  Reclaimed?  Physically?  Emotionally?  The answer for me is yes.

Seems most of what I write about over the past 8 months or so has not exactly been positive.  Matter of fact things have been difficult and sad but also exciting and renewing.

Steve left.  Trip came.  Babies trump everything.  I love that baby with all I am or ever will be.  I wonder if he will ever know how much?..  You see, I have 5 wonderful grands.  4 of them were born in a time when my emotional disorder was not under wraps.  In other words I was a mess.. Meander forward 9 years and here I sit.  Not a new person but such a better one that I know, that my love for these little ones is so great and could not have been had life not changed for me.

So a few observations:  One a lot can happen in 9 years.  Sober acting, thinking, living.  That in and of itself is huge… and is the start, the middle and hopefully the ending of my re-written life..

I had a traumatic episode last week that has left me so shaken.  More family drama than needs to be spoken of.  However, I have been cut off from this baby that I can only describe as a gift from God for everyone.  But, for now, I am not allowed to see him.  The why (and it isn’t mine) doesn’t matter as much as the hurt.  Yes, hurt.  You see, in cutting me off from baby 5 (T), it was real apparent that the total rage being spewed at me had less to do with me than the person saying the hurtful words.  But honestly, nothing can hurt like hearing, my family (him and his mom and dad) do not want me to be a part of…. And then my number was blocked and just like that….. I am cut off from………

Timing… impeccable?  I don’t know but this past weekend I went on a 3 day roundup at a state park close to here.  It was gorgeous.  I stayed connected to the ‘reason’ for being there, I spent time with friends laughing and cementing, once again this whole sobriety living.  However there was an underlying sadness that just kept getting pushed away and prayed about.  But it was there…

Nothing has changed.  I have been advised to let this go.  That it may take a long time but I may be able to see Trip but not right now.  I could throw up just thinking about this.

But I remain sober…. There is a miracle.  You see, I am still surprised at my ‘go to’ response upon complete devastation (Steve, now this) is f-it.  Go ahead and drink.  Who cares?  I just want relief and I truly needed it right then.

Now I’m not sure how I made it through those days after the breakup, nor do I know how I am breathing through all this, but I just keep walking in spite of…. God?  Hmmmm.

 

I have very little wisdom anymore.  I thought I was full of grace and mercy but that remains questionable….  But I keep walking…. (When in Hell)

 

On a better note, “d” got a job.   Hurrah and thank you God!  They need the financial peace and not a moment too soon.  I suppose I do too; worry, worry go away!

 

Summer is almost here.  Camping trip in about 2 weeks…. I pray that my spiritual side will completely cover this insanity and all of us will breathe…

 

Maybe this will help

Life update:

Finally made it to the back doc yesterday.  I am so incredibly stubborn (or more likely I’m managed by my checkbook) that it took what it took to get me in finally.  You know, like pain.  Life change to accommodate pain.  Wth!

So, after pushing, pulling and x-rays it was found that they can’t see anything wrong.  Steroid injection and more oral steroids for the inflammation.  Ok, I’ll run with that!  We will see where this goes.  On a somber note and probably a little on the negative side, I contacted my running buddy for our upcoming 5k insanity run next month.  Perhaps I better step back.  Perhaps….

So, I am forced to take a look at my activity level and assess whether I’m doing more harm than good.  I have been less and less at the gym and now less and less running.  For someone that thrived on the high of exercise that has almost gone.  That makes me so sad…. So…. Still assessing.  Perhaps modifying would be a good term.  And then again maybe I’m just fat and lazy.   Ok, that would be a big no and stop with the negative!  NOW!

Spent the weekend with my precious gdaughter.  I love these kids more than my life itself.  The older I get which leaves them the same way the more our journey has changed.  We still do fun stuff but, for me, it has become more about the time together than ‘the adventure’ anymore.  I asked my sweet “S” as we listened to songs on the radio could she tell me one song that would be a sweet reminder of her pawpaw.  She said yes and surprised me with a song I had never heard him sing…. The title escapes me now but I guess it’s her memory.  When asked the same about me she quickly said, ‘puff the magic dragon’  or  ‘ms robinson’.   Both excellent reminders I would say.

 

For some reason I have thought of Steve a bit lately.  Maybe he thinks of me… hmmm.  I don’t cry anymore, but I do still keep all of this in my prayers…