Regrouping. Refreshing.
Reclaiming. Mind, body and
spirit.
It is necessary at
times to take a step back. Look around
and re-access. Is there something that
needs to be discarded? Reclaimed? Physically?
Emotionally? The answer for me is
yes.
Seems most of what
I write about over the past 8 months or so has not exactly been positive. Matter of fact things have been difficult and
sad but also exciting and renewing.
Steve left. Trip came.
Babies trump everything. I love
that baby with all I am or ever will be.
I wonder if he will ever know how much?.. You see, I have 5 wonderful grands. 4 of them were born in a time when my
emotional disorder was not under wraps.
In other words I was a mess.. Meander forward 9 years and here I sit. Not a new person but such a better one that I
know, that my love for these little ones is so great and could not have been
had life not changed for me.
So a few
observations: One a lot can happen in 9
years. Sober acting, thinking,
living. That in and of itself is huge…
and is the start, the middle and hopefully the ending of my re-written life..
I had a traumatic
episode last week that has left me so shaken.
More family drama than needs to be spoken of. However, I have been cut off from this baby
that I can only describe as a gift from God for everyone. But, for now, I am not allowed to see
him. The why (and it isn’t mine) doesn’t
matter as much as the hurt. Yes,
hurt. You see, in cutting me off from
baby 5 (T), it was real apparent that the total rage being spewed at me had
less to do with me than the person saying the hurtful words. But honestly, nothing can hurt like hearing,
my family (him and his mom and dad) do not want me to be a part of…. And then
my number was blocked and just like that….. I am cut off from………
Timing… impeccable? I don’t know but this past weekend I went on
a 3 day roundup at a state park close to here.
It was gorgeous. I stayed
connected to the ‘reason’ for being there, I spent time with friends laughing
and cementing, once again this whole sobriety living. However there was an underlying sadness that
just kept getting pushed away and prayed about.
But it was there…
Nothing has
changed. I have been advised to let this
go. That it may take a long time but I may
be able to see Trip but not right now. I
could throw up just thinking about this.
But I remain sober….
There is a miracle. You see, I am still
surprised at my ‘go to’ response upon complete devastation (Steve, now this) is
f-it. Go ahead and drink. Who cares?
I just want relief and I truly needed it right then.
Now I’m not sure
how I made it through those days after the breakup, nor do I know how I am breathing
through all this, but I just keep walking in spite of…. God? Hmmmm.
I have very little
wisdom anymore. I thought I was full of
grace and mercy but that remains questionable….
But I keep walking…. (When in Hell)
On a better note, “d”
got a job. Hurrah and thank you
God! They need the financial peace and
not a moment too soon. I suppose I do
too; worry, worry go away!
Summer is almost
here. Camping trip in about 2 weeks…. I
pray that my spiritual side will completely cover this insanity and all of us
will breathe…
Maybe this will
help
